Monday, February 13, 2017

Valentine's Day

I handed my heart, my body, my soul and what's now really pinching, my faith, over to you. I have forgotten my mind in the process. I've lost it somewhere on the path to seeking desperate happiness. That's the thing about desperation. It corrodes you on the inside until you can no longer see the things that mattered to you as you. That should have been taking over your life before you let the idea of happiness take control. That's the thing about the idea of happiness. It stems from this sick thing called the idea of love.

You broke my heart. I gave it to you to keep and when I wasn't looking you decided to play ball with it and smash it through the neighbors' window. Nobody lives there now. The dark rooms are haunted by the remnants of my shards casting an eerie light in small squares that are slowly disappearing. Bits of me diminished where they once shone bright.
I want you to be miserable. Feel how I feel when I replay the image every second of everyday since I found out. I don't know if I care because it's you or because I thought it was love or because I can't believe I could be forgotten. So easily replaced in an aspect I was trying so hard to fill in your life. I guess I should've seen it coming, I guess your lack of willingness, the distance setting you back an inch everyday, the consistent attempt to display your supposed love for me to the world- all the time forgetting that the only kind of display that mattered was for me. And the amazing part is that I didn't even need any. I knew and yes still know, that you're crazy about me. Your heart longs to see me, hear my voice, my thoughts pour into your empty crevices, share your life and add to its flaws, make them beautiful, tell you you're beautiful and yet fix you, for every year of your life, the entire time.
They say you don't deserve me. You say you don't deserve me. I don't even know if I deserve myself. Is it weak of me to forgive you? Abominable even if I think of reattaching? So I have been told. How can I reform, find the broken bits of me, search for them on all fours only to give them back to the one who ran me over? How can I respect you and live with myself? I don't know what to think anymore. I hate you as much as I love you but this whole thing is making me sick to my stomach. The only respite is that you are in a fractional amount of pain as I am in and I don't want to speak to you or speak about you because I have had enough and I don't recognise myself anymore.

My brain is weighing my body down and I have lost all motivation. I hope you're happy.