Life Goes On

It's been a while hasn't it? Since you took a walk to nowhere in the middle of the night? Since you walked out instead of run under the shades when it starts to drizzle? Since you got high on candy and a day of boardgames or cards?

Yeah it kind of has. It has been long since you read a mail, leave apart a letter, longer still since you bought an original record and even longer since you surprised someone just to see them smile, since you put someone else before yourself. Somewhere between all the forms of communication and making this world a smaller place, we actually made the distance grow more.. We've grown distant.

I look at your facebook profile now to know what you're upto, who you hang with and what is the latest band you listened to. I enlarge your profile picture and stare at it when I need to see your face and try and interpret your status in not one way but a million till I find one that I feel comes closest to my interpretation of you. I write you mails and then save them in my drafts for let's face it, who has the time to read long sappy emails these days, lesser still to reply to them and pathetic as this sounds, I like my mails being replied to.

We've come so far and yet I feel not much has been achieved. There's so much more to be done but there's something that still stops me, holds me back. If moving forward means not needing your people anymore, I disagree. If being strong implies you have to suffocate and drown out what you feel deep down, I beg to differ.

Maybe in another lifetime I can be like one of you - a machine - but for this one, I'm only human. Not by default, by choice.

What Happen If?

What happens when occurrences in your life, one after the other, do nothing but confirm, more and more, that you were, are, and in fact always will be, an outsider. What's worse, is when you find out that you're on this side of the glass window, somehow still intact but probably on the verge of shattering, only because of your naivety and sheer innocence. 

 

Or maybe it's just a skill you acquired somewhere along the way, of blindfolding yourself with an invisible emotion every time you thought something was coming at you, that didn't quite fit, or the time for which wasn't quite right, or it wasn't quite as bearable as it should have been. Quite. Quite foolish you'd have to be. 

When you're in love, you're supposed to be a fool. Why? Because it isn't reality. It's a fantasy. One that was created as per your own convenience, and composed of your little, fragmented obsessions at the time. But nobody ever talks about how foolish, and vile life itself can be. How foolish you could be while undergoing the process of 'growing up.' But sometimes the process stagnates. And you feel like you'll never learn. Like how many times could you possibly suffer, until the suffering teaches you a lesson. Like how much could you possibly endure, until the last vein connecting your heart to your brain is yanked out. Limitless.

I'd stay a little while longer, if only I could be assured that this time, or the next time, or the one after that, will not end in tears and severe reconciliation of not just the surface skimming factors, but of the soul. I'd stay a little while longer, if only the truth was told to my face, and with a trust I couldn't look away from. 

It's like it was said in one of my most favorite movies, of all time. Every time we look back at something we're having a hard time recuperating from, we're probably only looking at the good stuff. The next time you look, look a bit more carefully. 

As I said, I'd stay a little while longer. But that's only if I thought there was something more this place had to offer me. If only it hadn't taken and given to me everything that could have possibly been taken or given. If only my life could turn out the way it had to in the duration of my favorite movie, not necessarily with the same script. If only I could sit here all day, not bother about frivolities that take up my vision, touch and taste, and watch this movie, some brain waves intact. Some nourishment intact. And then... Summer. And soon. Autumn. Throw in a certain Monsoon will you. 

"The scars of your love remind me of us 

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all 

The scars of your love they leave me breathless 

I can’t help feeling..."- Adele

Why? Because I Love You.

He probed. She was unsure. But eventually yielded. "I love you. You're beautiful." She wont say it back. No, scratch that. She can't say it back. Carefully, very carefully, he tries all he can. Take two. One small push and she's all his. Moving in perfect synchronization of body, of life. How does she say it? Without him getting scared and backing off? Her mind screams, "I love you! And I've loved you all this while." But her mouth stays locked in his. 

The words lost in the heat of the moment. Drowned in passion. "Relax," he says, sensing the urgency and the tenseness in her back. She lets out a soft moan, as his hands move down, easing out all her apprehensions. They shift. The kisses are different. His more tearing. Hers, softer. Her hand caressing his face. Obvious love. "It's funny how it never felt like this when we were together." "Because when we were together, I was playing my part. The caring boyfriend one." Muffled gasps. Sharp pain. "So that was all an act?" Long drawn sigh. "Not really. I meant it when I was in it. It's just too taxing for a guy like me." 

Unshed tears, distracted by tethering his body, embedding her nails in his arched back. Teeth gnawing supple skin. Red. Color of hurt. Color of passion. Of love. She strokes his forehead as he slowly moves her hair out of her face to get a closer look. He doesn't call her beautiful. Something stops him. At the very edge. But she wants to know. Lazy exhaustion. Slower kisses. Wild submission. Acceptance. Denial. Tired. "They don't understand, but this is the best part." Contentment. Really? She wants to ask. Then how do you? Is it just me? Tell me! Talk out loud! "You have weird perceptions and estimations about yourself, you know..." "Like what?" He snuggles closer. 

His hand always in motion against her back. He kisses her head discreetly, thinking she can't tell. She can. She can always tell. "Like this. You think you want this. You're a really good boyfriend for as long as you don't start thinking about it." "Hmm..." he mutters with his eyes shut. Still holding her close. She doesn't think he realizes that this is the closest they've gotten in a long time. And it's the closest they will be, all bared, in a very, very long time to come. 

 

"You wanna get a smoke?" This is it. She doesn't want to let go. She's finally found something comfortable. Comforting. Something that doesn't make her squirm, or jump back in disapproval and skepticism. She was scared she'd find out how irrevocable her feelings were where he was concerned if she ever landed up in something like this. And there you go. She found out. And it hit her so hard, that she doesn't mind not being carefully handled, or not called beautiful, or looked at with a certain kind of deep love only some pair of eyes can show her. For all she cares. Ravage my body. Be harsh yet truthful.  In whatever limited and warped form that may be possible. This is not me. It's not who I am. What am I doing? Giving in because you're tired. Somebody answers. Consumed.

You are the only one

You are the only one for whom i desire,

You are the only one whom i deserve the most,

You are the only one who care,

You are the one with i make a best pair.

You are the only one who bear,

The one with whom i can easily share,

With whom i feel i can walk on air.

You have a art to make me smile,

You are one with whom i feel living a life is worthwhile.

You understand all my emotions,

With whom i feel i can cross millions of oceans.

You make out all my expression,

Solve my every question,

You promise to hold my hand forever,

You are the who say "i cant live without you never ever".

You are different from crowd,

This is what which always make me feel proud,

You have the best heart,

And winning it is one among your finniest art.

The Philosophy Of Truth

I am discovering just how much self-centeredness and immaturity annoy me. I am also discovering how less patient I have become with age. But maybe it’s not about becoming less patient, perhaps I am finally learning to set boundaries with others. There is a limit to how much of a bad thing one can take. You may say and feel all the things you want but if your actions don’t match those feelings and words, then they are all meaningless.

So many questions inundated my head and strong emotions slapped my heart.Funny how much words on paper can affect you,Whatever may happen I keep telling myself to focus on what I have, on all those people and things in my life for which I am grateful.God seems to be putting up challenges to test my patience these few days.

Plus i might be accompanying Mum to somewhere.. you know how i love to spend some time with her;You know, suddenly, i realized that i have alot of choices to make. alot of choices i don't feel like thinking and making a decision. oh, i hate making decisions.Hmm, okay, that’s not much. but still, these decisions are going to alter my life forever. right?

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you  want. Now believe it can come true. You will never know when the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you are wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe it, with all your heart."  

Sadness

 Sometimes the toughest thing about feelings is sharing them with others. Sharing your feelings helps you when your feelings are good and when they aren’t so good. Sharing also helps you to get closer to people you care about and who care about you. When people talk about feelings, they sometimes use the word "emotions."  

 The way a person feels inside is important. It can be really hard not to tell anyone that you’re feeling sad, worried, or upset. Then, it’s just you and these bad feelings. If you keep feelings locked inside, it can even make you feel sick! 

Feeling down? Got the blues? You’re not alone. Everyone gets sad. Yes, everyone you’ve ever met. 

When you’re in a sad mood, it may feel like it will last forever, but usually feelings of sadness don’t last very long — a few hours or maybe a day or two. A deeper, more intense kind of sadness that lasts a lot longer is called depression  Sadness is a feeling — it’s one of the many normal human emotions, or moods, we all have. Sadness is the emotion people feel when they’ve lost something important, or when they have been disappointed about something, or when something sad has happened to them or to someone else. When they’re lonely, people often feel sad.

When you’re sad, the world may seem dark and unfriendly. You might feel like you have nothing to look forward to. The hurt deep inside may crush your usually good mood.  

Most of the time, sadness is because of a loss or separation, a difficult change or disappointment about something, or relationship problems.  

Try to open your heart to the person who you trust,  There is always somebody to talk to when you are sad or if you are depressed — somebody who can help. 

Things you MIGHT hate about me

The ‘K’ factor:

So yeah, I don’t really know how to reply to your ‘k’ text. We’re in a middle of a great conversation and when I get a freaking’ ‘K’ from you. DO NOT expect my text back. K?

Importance of Emotions:

Emoticons like ‘:)’ ‘:(‘ ‘:P’ ‘:D’ ‘<3’ ‘:S’ and ‘:/’ are very very and I say VERY important to me. You gotta talk to me? Tolerate me with MY emotions, emoticons, I mean.

Severe mood swings:

If one day I’m the nicest person to you on the face of this planet and shout the shit out of you the other day, you’re a victim of my dangerous mood disaster, deal with it. Will you? Please? Thank you.

Kids/Babies/Children:

My obsession with kids might get you to hate me, yeah. I totally adore babies. I can’t just resist myself when I see a baby anywhere. I just HAVE to run up to them to pull those delicious cheeks. =D

My ‘kinda’ music, oh yeah:

Hate me for listening to ‘teenage dream’ on repeat for 3 days straight. Or singing ‘Sheila ki jawaani’ on top of my lungs at the most random times. My music changes with my mood, I dance to Enrique, sing along with Sonu nigam, cry to Rahat’s Teri yaad saath hai, scream my throat out to Noori, hum along with Shreya Goshal and so on. All I want in life is GOOD MUSIC, anything else can just go to hell.

Love for Camera:

The camera travels with me every single place I visit. There has to be a picture of every single thing, every single event, and every single occasion. Because it has been said, you can never have too many pictures. Oh, what’s that?! *must click one picture*, wow, that’s a treat to my eyes *click*.

Sense of humor:

I don’t blame you, I, sometimes, hate myself for my abrupt sense of humor. I make a joke like that and realize oh man, what the hell did I just say. I’m cool as long as people end up laughing at it and if not, then dayyummm, I can’t really do anything about it.

Music is my lifeline

Could that story about 'The Pied Piper' luring all the rats out of the city on the tune of his pipe ever be true?

Well, I think yes.

Music can be so magical, a person only realizes it when he feels it. Its not like it takes you on a whole new magical journey, but it does bring a slight variation in your mood which might sometimes go unnoticed. It can make you happy when you're sad or it can open the doors of grief while you're in a perfectly normal mood. It can even scare you sometimes.

As soon as those sound waves touch your ears, a frenzy begins. It all depends upon how you let the music take control of your emotions. If you resist it, you'll never be able to observe its enchantment.

New genres of music have been popping up every other day, which is quite exciting. Exploring new music has no limits, there are unlimited artists from different corners of world who have been creating some awesome music everyday.

'What sort of music do I like?' is quite a difficult question, which might require an exhaustively comprehensive answer.

Lets put it this way, the music I like is spread over a HUGE range.

Like, I like music from 'Yesterday by The Beatles' to 'Tik tok by Kesha'.

Or, I like music from 'Speed of sound by Coldplay' to '7 things by Miley Cyrus' (Wait ! Miley Cyrus ! I know I need to see a shrink.)

I don't follow any specific era or genre of music, may be cause I haven't restricted my mind yet. If a tune makes me feel good, that's enough justification for it to be on my playlist. I never force myself to get stuck in just one era. And those who are stuck, seem to be buried deep down beneath the foundation of a glitzy and full-of-life buiding. C'mon, explore it people !

There are some songs which I hold on to for years (like 'I'm with you by Avril Lavigne') and there are some songs which I go gaga for, but that's just for a couple of days (mostly Indian songs).

Music indeed is my life line or its my last resort. Whenever I want to be lonely in a crowded room, all I do is I get those earphones fixed in my ears and turn the full volume on. So music is also a savior, as it saves me from unwanted socializing.

Well, there is music which renders no one unaffected (almost), like 'Hey there Delilah by Plain While T's'. I was so inspired that I once tried to record that song in my voice, and ultimate result was a disaster.

Whatever the consequences, my love for music will never get hampered.

Have fun listening to your favorite music. Cheers !