Someday I will wake up as a completely different person.

When your heart gets broken, nothing will ever be the same. Opinions, views and circumstances change. So does your outlook on life in general. No matter how hard you try, you can`t mend a broken heart. Even if you glue all the pieces together, the cracks will still show. And your eyes will always seem a little bit sad, even when you`ll be smiling.                         

                                                                                                                

Yet there is hope, because one day you will smile again. You will enjoy music, good food and the company of your friends. Begin to notice how beautiful the world is and how special are the people that are around you. You will find peace. I promise. One thing I can`t promise you though. I can`t promise you that you will ever love again. Sure there will be others and passion, romance, lust and relationships will come. But I doubt that there will ever be Love as pure as your First Love. I hope I`ll be proven wrong some day, but until then, I remain with this pain in my chest, and the dark hollow in my heart does not go away.

Life Goes On

It's been a while hasn't it? Since you took a walk to nowhere in the middle of the night? Since you walked out instead of run under the shades when it starts to drizzle? Since you got high on candy and a day of boardgames or cards?

Yeah it kind of has. It has been long since you read a mail, leave apart a letter, longer still since you bought an original record and even longer since you surprised someone just to see them smile, since you put someone else before yourself. Somewhere between all the forms of communication and making this world a smaller place, we actually made the distance grow more.. We've grown distant.

I look at your facebook profile now to know what you're upto, who you hang with and what is the latest band you listened to. I enlarge your profile picture and stare at it when I need to see your face and try and interpret your status in not one way but a million till I find one that I feel comes closest to my interpretation of you. I write you mails and then save them in my drafts for let's face it, who has the time to read long sappy emails these days, lesser still to reply to them and pathetic as this sounds, I like my mails being replied to.

We've come so far and yet I feel not much has been achieved. There's so much more to be done but there's something that still stops me, holds me back. If moving forward means not needing your people anymore, I disagree. If being strong implies you have to suffocate and drown out what you feel deep down, I beg to differ.

Maybe in another lifetime I can be like one of you - a machine - but for this one, I'm only human. Not by default, by choice.

Shiver

I had a dream I stood beneath an Orange Sky : Alexi Murdoch Now there's no room for negotiation and none for personally viable imagery. There's neither scope nor time for settlements. What you have now is what you'll hold forever and I wish I could say that you were a part of my scavenged dossier but I've sifted and even hunted in my last few bargained hours, but I found nothing. It's like you never existed. Just as well. 

Give me a lie, and I'll live it. Give me a robe and a fancy hat, and I'll don it. Give me a piece of paper and blood instead of ink, and I'll scribe it. Give me frivolity and I'll find a way to conjure short-lived beauty, peace and purity. Give me a pounding heart, and I'll pretend like I never heard it. 

 

This is us, old with no recourse to the past. What we have now is all we'll ever have. If you look at it through many rose tints you'd find it perfect and that's the best way to look at it. But if you dare lighten the shades... 

 

You find one place that you hope will let you forget and forgive and forgo. But if you carry all your baggage on your arm, up-sliding into your heart, seeping into your nervous system, and igniting dangerous cells, you can't expect even paradise to set you free. I've seen heaven and I've seen hell and I've seen them simultaneously. The worst part of not having a time lag between witnessing the two, is finding each equally mesmerizing and tempting. The two feelings rendering you unfit for either. When you get sucked into a roller-coaster ride of promise and hope and dejection and failure, you start enjoying the feeling of each. The loss that comes after the highs and the euphoria after the lows. 

 

All you had to do was ask. But you wouldn't. All I had to do was tell you. But I didn't. All that ever needed to be done, was untying the cruel knots that fate decided to put in the ropes that at some point would tow us back to each other. Maybe they're still not bad enough. Maybe 10 years later. Maybe not. I hate not knowing. But knowing would make me God. 

 

You're not mine. But I'm yours. And if that's not cruel, what is?

Across The Universe

 

What if the world really were to collapse this year? All our lives, simultaneously, cease to exist? Our death anniversaries, coincide? Would you be satisfied with what you've woven into the world thus far? Of course, to achieve that would be ideal and therefore, utterly impossible, but do you think you could leave things as they are? Or shift your gear to number five and finish all that you think you were meant to do? My questions are a way of delaying the answers I don't have. Whether or not this debate of 2012 being the year of our doom gets resolved (I have a feeling we will be in 2013 by the time it does), aren't we always advised to live each day as if it were our last? Realistically, keeping a provision for contingencies such as bad hair days, mood swings and PMS, why don't we instead try living this year as if it were our last?

 

Through a roller-coaster-cum-maze my life has been in just (wait for it) two decades of its completion, I think I'd like to pick my last year as one that (I know you're expecting peaceful and saint-like) is the scariest and most unexpected ride of my life! Because what fun would it be otherwise? I've spent afternoons in dingy, musk-smelling bars with anticipation of where the evening will take us. In alleys trying to distinguish our breath from the smoke. In comfortable hand-me-downs, with an excuse of a winter, relishing warm tastes. In yellow-blacks, entangled beyond comprehension. In the lives and minds of others because nobody has left anyone a choice anymore. 

In Ford Fiestas. In a place that tries excusing itself by adopting a happy name but that doesn't rule out the memories it gave me that make me cringe, even today. Taking a full year break and then coming back to a life I always used to know. To people I love (even though some of them I don't like very much, but I still love). To the horrible, horrible, horrible inevitability of growing-up. To prospects of magnanimous success or stupendous failure, both equally exciting and fear invoking. To finding love, losing love, and then not knowing what love really is.

But I do. You have to be selfish even when it comes to one of the most selfless concepts in the world. It can be love if it's one-sided, but it cannot be ego. It can be love if the balance is tipped to a 70:30, but it cannot be self-esteem. It can be love if you give all he asks for and never the other way around, but it cannot be healthy. It can be love if you've roughed all his troughs but never been the one he looked for during the crests, but it cannot be friendship. When you realize what you're worth is really a lot more than that, and when the realization hits you if there's even ONE person by your side to tell you that you're doing the right thing and that you're going to make it, you're going to make it. And here I am.

Something changed in me the night of the beautiful lights, an open sky, the grains of sand that I could feel, each and every one of them as distinct as if they were many times their real size, and the unconditional love that was coming to me from all directions and the love that was emanating from me. The night we welcomed the new year in Paradise. All this while we'd been labeling the feeling as ecstasy, when what it really was, was not a feeling, it was a state. A state of contentment. And of security. I had my backbone that night, and my eyes. But when I thought about it a little more, a few kilometers away, I just as well had my mind, left-hand, right hand, my two feet and heart, safe and sound. And I wasn't apologetic about any of them.

Take these away and you'd think I'd be rendered inconsequential. But my soul is unique, and mine alone, and when the world (or the world as I know it) ends, it will know what to do, it will know who to tell, it will know what to tell, somehow it'll know. So I have a picture in my head where boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, and the world could happily end at that very moment, because it's the simplest and sweetest kiss in the world... And sometimes that's all you need.

This is late, but do have the happiest new year. :)

The Philosophy Of Truth

I am discovering just how much self-centeredness and immaturity annoy me. I am also discovering how less patient I have become with age. But maybe it’s not about becoming less patient, perhaps I am finally learning to set boundaries with others. There is a limit to how much of a bad thing one can take. You may say and feel all the things you want but if your actions don’t match those feelings and words, then they are all meaningless.

So many questions inundated my head and strong emotions slapped my heart.Funny how much words on paper can affect you,Whatever may happen I keep telling myself to focus on what I have, on all those people and things in my life for which I am grateful.God seems to be putting up challenges to test my patience these few days.

Plus i might be accompanying Mum to somewhere.. you know how i love to spend some time with her;You know, suddenly, i realized that i have alot of choices to make. alot of choices i don't feel like thinking and making a decision. oh, i hate making decisions.Hmm, okay, that’s not much. but still, these decisions are going to alter my life forever. right?

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you  want. Now believe it can come true. You will never know when the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you are wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe it, with all your heart."  

Sadness

 Sometimes the toughest thing about feelings is sharing them with others. Sharing your feelings helps you when your feelings are good and when they aren’t so good. Sharing also helps you to get closer to people you care about and who care about you. When people talk about feelings, they sometimes use the word "emotions."  

 The way a person feels inside is important. It can be really hard not to tell anyone that you’re feeling sad, worried, or upset. Then, it’s just you and these bad feelings. If you keep feelings locked inside, it can even make you feel sick! 

Feeling down? Got the blues? You’re not alone. Everyone gets sad. Yes, everyone you’ve ever met. 

When you’re in a sad mood, it may feel like it will last forever, but usually feelings of sadness don’t last very long — a few hours or maybe a day or two. A deeper, more intense kind of sadness that lasts a lot longer is called depression  Sadness is a feeling — it’s one of the many normal human emotions, or moods, we all have. Sadness is the emotion people feel when they’ve lost something important, or when they have been disappointed about something, or when something sad has happened to them or to someone else. When they’re lonely, people often feel sad.

When you’re sad, the world may seem dark and unfriendly. You might feel like you have nothing to look forward to. The hurt deep inside may crush your usually good mood.  

Most of the time, sadness is because of a loss or separation, a difficult change or disappointment about something, or relationship problems.  

Try to open your heart to the person who you trust,  There is always somebody to talk to when you are sad or if you are depressed — somebody who can help. 

All Things Happy

It doesn’t always have to big things like expensive watches & dresses (I so want one right now) to make us happy. Many times, its small things that put a smile on our faces. And this is my list of those things.

 

♥ Spending time with people I connect and love… be it family or friends. They sure do put a smile on my face.

♥ Pulling legs of my friends.

♥ That I have changed in past 2 years. Now I m more confident, more out going and can say ‘NO’.

♥ Rain, smelling the awesome smell of mother earth and eating either hot hot  butta (corn) or an ice cream… Heaven .

♥ Those mornings and days when I feel lazy and spend them exactly how I feel…lazing around.

♥ Gorging on my favorite food.

♥ A baby or kid smiling at me or holding my finger and knowing that one day in future I will have one of these angels to call my very own .

♥ Seeing the way my young niece and nephews react when I go to visit them. Seeing them so happy because of me, makes me happy.

♥ The fact that there are two people in this world who love me unconditionally and for whom I mean the world.

♥ People doing nice and sweet things for one another or for animals.

♥ Reading a good book with my favorite songs playing.

♥ Seeing couples in love.

♥ Love.

♥ Winning.

♥ When someone does something sweet for me.

♥ When I do something that I think is commendable.

♥ Knowing that I have lots of strength inside of me.

♥ Remembering all the good times I spent with my Grand Pa… remembering him makes me nostalgic but also happy.

♥ Watching one of my favorite movies, relaxing on couch with something to munch on.

♥ My perfect weather… cloudy and drizzling lightly.

♥ Finding money which I dint know existed.

♥ Going on long drives.

♥ Music.

♥ Taking pictures.

♥ Vacations.

♥ You guys and my blog. Every time I read your comments it just makes my day. So, What makes you guys happy?

Lost are those who are forgotten

 

Life cannot be better, we say when everything around us goes the way we want it to be. It feels like we have been riding a big airplane-sized car on the straight and plain highway of life. There is no traffic, no stop sign, nothing to distract us. We and our life. We get whatever we want. Life feels picture-perfect. 

This is where we do the prime mistake of our lives. The slip where we are going to slide so hard that  we are going to burst. We do not even realize what we are doing. We climb all the way to the mountains and do not know our way down. This is where life likes to play with us. To play with our emotions and beloved ones. Just to make us stronger. Life just wants us to realize the authenticity and not to forget the sure-happenings of life. Life puts a bump on the super straight highway. A slow-down. Life takes away our beloved ones from us. 

Ones without whom our life is meaningless. Ones who ho are actually the wheels of our car which keeps our vehicle running. What should we do in that situation? Give up? I don’t think so. Life itself is so dumb. It just knows few tricks to get us but we are a lot smarter than that. Do not let life play on us but play with life. Tell life how strong we are and we have not forgotten anything. We know our way down and we know that life is not perfect. Tell life that we know we all are in this world to leave. We know that this straight simple way is going to be stony at some place and we will get through it. Sometimes we think that why life chose us to be the victim. Remember we are not the victims, we are blessed ones. 

Life did it to us because we are a lot stronger than other people and we will become inspiration of people. We will become a source of message for other million people and show them that we are living in the real world and we thank God for everything. We obviously miss the lost ones but now we are going to live our own lives because people need us. Because this world needs some good people to be here still to spread the intelligence. Our families need us to support them and we will make proud those who are taken away from us. We did not actually lose them. 

Lost are those who are forgotten. They will be there with us, in our memories forever. We will meet them in heaven someday and will spend the never-ending life with them. Everybody loves us. I used “We” all over this little message because it’s not just you. You are not alone. It’s you and me together. It’s we now and forever.

Love

In several posts I have discussed how friendship and love are some of the highest forms of selfishness not selflessness as people frequently assume. One chooses another as a friend because he values that other more than mere strangers. The reason he values that other more than mere strangers is because the other follows the same moral standards as him. Therefore, similar people are friends. Dissimilar people cannot be friends, for they follow different moralities. Thus, they think one another is vicious. For example, a Marxist and a capitalist cannot be friends because the Marxist believes the capitalist is vicious, and the capitalist believes the Marxist is vicious.

The same goes for love. The only difference is that when one loves another, he chooses one person above all others, even his friends. One can have several friends. One can value several people more than strangers. However, one can only have a single favorite. That favorite, the best friend, is the one he loves.

Of course, this person, the one he loves, is only second to his self. The mere fact that he is choosing another person to love indicates that he values his self the most, even greater than the person he loves, for he is choosing that person because he enjoys being with that person, that person does not corrupt his virtue, that person makes him happy. When one is happy one is acting selfishly. Thus, love has nothing to do with sacrifice.

Unfortunately, most people assume that love is completely about selflessness and sacrifice. They believe love is about compromise. The assumption is, if one loves another, one will give up things - actions, items, etc. - for the other. This is not love. This is self-destruction. This is the atrocious sickening delusion that when two people love one another they become one. 1 + 1 does not = 1. 1 + 1 = 2. When two people love one another they are still two individuals; however, together they become more in the sense that they are happy, they enjoy life. The teaching of two loving individuals becoming one indicates that the individuals of the relationship decrease in value. They destroy parts of themselves so they can be one instead of two. They begin with more value than when they end. Since love is about happiness, about selfishness, one cannot destroy his self to love another. If he does so, he will be miserable, not happy. For before one enters a relationship he loves his self. He loves who he is. He has chosen to be a certain person, act a certain way because it is virtuous because it makes him happy. However, if he enters a relationship demanding sacrifice, he is aborting some of his virtues, aborting what makes him happy. In turn, this will result in one hating the person he allegedly loves because the other caused him to destroy his self, and it will also result in one loathing him self, for he is being less than who he was, the person he chose to be because it made him happy.

A further problem with this is that one must love him self before he loves others. A self-loathing individual cannot love another. If one loathes him self, he is basically saying that he is shit, that he is worthless. He admits that he is a failure, meaning he has not realized his values; thus, he is also admitting that he is vicious. Consequently, he is saying that he is unworthy of love. He believes that no one should selfishly choose him over all others, for he thinks he is worse than all others. Therefore, one contradicts himself by searching for love to cure his self loathing.

Additionally, as I have stated several times before love is a selfish act. Thus, one loves another because he believes he deserves love. Essentially, he values himself enough to pursue and enjoyable relationship with another. If one loathes himself, however, he admits he is of no value, that he is so horrible he does not deserve to enjoy a relationship with another. Therefore, one must obviously love himself before he loves others. 

Firstly, I now realize that I must love another that enjoys the same activities as me. If I am to love another, the other must be interested in philosophical discussion like this. I am not saying everyone must like philosophical discussion. Everyone should be concerned about truth and being virtuous, but not everyone must enjoy the exploration of it. My argument here is that two people who love one another must enjoy similar activities. For example, one who enjoy skiing, and loves the winter, cannot love someone who loathes the winter and despises skiing.

Secondly, it is completely nonsensical that one should not be able to enjoy innocent activities with other friends. It would make sense for one to oppose his loved one's use of heroine with others, for heroine indicates all kinds of unstable moral positions of the other person. Discussing politics, playing sports, playing video games, board games, card games, watching movies, listening to music, all pretty innocent activities that one should not demand his alleged loved one not to partake in.