Someday I will wake up as a completely different person.

When your heart gets broken, nothing will ever be the same. Opinions, views and circumstances change. So does your outlook on life in general. No matter how hard you try, you can`t mend a broken heart. Even if you glue all the pieces together, the cracks will still show. And your eyes will always seem a little bit sad, even when you`ll be smiling.                         

                                                                                                                

Yet there is hope, because one day you will smile again. You will enjoy music, good food and the company of your friends. Begin to notice how beautiful the world is and how special are the people that are around you. You will find peace. I promise. One thing I can`t promise you though. I can`t promise you that you will ever love again. Sure there will be others and passion, romance, lust and relationships will come. But I doubt that there will ever be Love as pure as your First Love. I hope I`ll be proven wrong some day, but until then, I remain with this pain in my chest, and the dark hollow in my heart does not go away.

Across The Universe

 

What if the world really were to collapse this year? All our lives, simultaneously, cease to exist? Our death anniversaries, coincide? Would you be satisfied with what you've woven into the world thus far? Of course, to achieve that would be ideal and therefore, utterly impossible, but do you think you could leave things as they are? Or shift your gear to number five and finish all that you think you were meant to do? My questions are a way of delaying the answers I don't have. Whether or not this debate of 2012 being the year of our doom gets resolved (I have a feeling we will be in 2013 by the time it does), aren't we always advised to live each day as if it were our last? Realistically, keeping a provision for contingencies such as bad hair days, mood swings and PMS, why don't we instead try living this year as if it were our last?

 

Through a roller-coaster-cum-maze my life has been in just (wait for it) two decades of its completion, I think I'd like to pick my last year as one that (I know you're expecting peaceful and saint-like) is the scariest and most unexpected ride of my life! Because what fun would it be otherwise? I've spent afternoons in dingy, musk-smelling bars with anticipation of where the evening will take us. In alleys trying to distinguish our breath from the smoke. In comfortable hand-me-downs, with an excuse of a winter, relishing warm tastes. In yellow-blacks, entangled beyond comprehension. In the lives and minds of others because nobody has left anyone a choice anymore. 

In Ford Fiestas. In a place that tries excusing itself by adopting a happy name but that doesn't rule out the memories it gave me that make me cringe, even today. Taking a full year break and then coming back to a life I always used to know. To people I love (even though some of them I don't like very much, but I still love). To the horrible, horrible, horrible inevitability of growing-up. To prospects of magnanimous success or stupendous failure, both equally exciting and fear invoking. To finding love, losing love, and then not knowing what love really is.

But I do. You have to be selfish even when it comes to one of the most selfless concepts in the world. It can be love if it's one-sided, but it cannot be ego. It can be love if the balance is tipped to a 70:30, but it cannot be self-esteem. It can be love if you give all he asks for and never the other way around, but it cannot be healthy. It can be love if you've roughed all his troughs but never been the one he looked for during the crests, but it cannot be friendship. When you realize what you're worth is really a lot more than that, and when the realization hits you if there's even ONE person by your side to tell you that you're doing the right thing and that you're going to make it, you're going to make it. And here I am.

Something changed in me the night of the beautiful lights, an open sky, the grains of sand that I could feel, each and every one of them as distinct as if they were many times their real size, and the unconditional love that was coming to me from all directions and the love that was emanating from me. The night we welcomed the new year in Paradise. All this while we'd been labeling the feeling as ecstasy, when what it really was, was not a feeling, it was a state. A state of contentment. And of security. I had my backbone that night, and my eyes. But when I thought about it a little more, a few kilometers away, I just as well had my mind, left-hand, right hand, my two feet and heart, safe and sound. And I wasn't apologetic about any of them.

Take these away and you'd think I'd be rendered inconsequential. But my soul is unique, and mine alone, and when the world (or the world as I know it) ends, it will know what to do, it will know who to tell, it will know what to tell, somehow it'll know. So I have a picture in my head where boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, and the world could happily end at that very moment, because it's the simplest and sweetest kiss in the world... And sometimes that's all you need.

This is late, but do have the happiest new year. :)

Dream

I dream of you and me, inside a pond. We had learned to breathe underwater as we stood together in the bottom. It was blue, moist and chilly as water touched and caressed our skins.

I looked up and saw the sun shining upon the surface, with wavelets sparkling as if someone had spilled some floating diamonds on that pond.

There were a million tiny fish swimming around us, making us smile as they would run into us randomly, rubbing against our skin, tickling us. There were colors everywhere; green, yellow, orange, red, all covered in blue.

I could see your face, shinning like a fabulous being, glowing as sunlight kissed your skin, and you smiled. I held your hand and we both swam to the surface. I could feel the water getting warmer gradually as we ascended.

Blue sky, shinning sun, sea gulls were singing to the rhythm of the wind and beat of the waves. Perfect day it was. And you were mine.

A dream I had of you

 

The waves lashed the rocks, bringing along cool breezes of moist air. Sun felt like a dim circle circle of light hidden behind a screen of clouds. I was almost lost in all this amazing phenomena when I looked at my left and forgot about my existence, forgot everything I had been beholding just moments ago.

What made me forget everything were your eyes, I felt like I had found a whole new world, a world where I could live my whole life in just one moment, a world where I would like to stay in forever and even after forever.

I saw a slight movement of your lips, like you wanted to say something, to say all the words that were once left unsaid. You then changed your mind and looked away at the waves which seemed quite furious at the rocks. We kept staring at the water until Sun started sinking into the West.

I felt your hand on my hand and you looked into my eyes but this time I couldn't reach the depth of the infinity in your eyes which were now guarded by shields of tears. I felt a sudden rush inside my soul to do whatever it takes to stop those tears and to never let them reach your eyes again.

 

I asked,'What's making you so sad?'

You kept looking into my eyes and then said,'The time has come when we go back to the world where we are still unknown to each other.'

Just the moment you said that, everything started to turn dark, everything disappeared and I woke up to find out that it actually was me who had tears in his eyes and.. It was just another dream I had of you !