Across The Universe

 

What if the world really were to collapse this year? All our lives, simultaneously, cease to exist? Our death anniversaries, coincide? Would you be satisfied with what you've woven into the world thus far? Of course, to achieve that would be ideal and therefore, utterly impossible, but do you think you could leave things as they are? Or shift your gear to number five and finish all that you think you were meant to do? My questions are a way of delaying the answers I don't have. Whether or not this debate of 2012 being the year of our doom gets resolved (I have a feeling we will be in 2013 by the time it does), aren't we always advised to live each day as if it were our last? Realistically, keeping a provision for contingencies such as bad hair days, mood swings and PMS, why don't we instead try living this year as if it were our last?

 

Through a roller-coaster-cum-maze my life has been in just (wait for it) two decades of its completion, I think I'd like to pick my last year as one that (I know you're expecting peaceful and saint-like) is the scariest and most unexpected ride of my life! Because what fun would it be otherwise? I've spent afternoons in dingy, musk-smelling bars with anticipation of where the evening will take us. In alleys trying to distinguish our breath from the smoke. In comfortable hand-me-downs, with an excuse of a winter, relishing warm tastes. In yellow-blacks, entangled beyond comprehension. In the lives and minds of others because nobody has left anyone a choice anymore. 

In Ford Fiestas. In a place that tries excusing itself by adopting a happy name but that doesn't rule out the memories it gave me that make me cringe, even today. Taking a full year break and then coming back to a life I always used to know. To people I love (even though some of them I don't like very much, but I still love). To the horrible, horrible, horrible inevitability of growing-up. To prospects of magnanimous success or stupendous failure, both equally exciting and fear invoking. To finding love, losing love, and then not knowing what love really is.

But I do. You have to be selfish even when it comes to one of the most selfless concepts in the world. It can be love if it's one-sided, but it cannot be ego. It can be love if the balance is tipped to a 70:30, but it cannot be self-esteem. It can be love if you give all he asks for and never the other way around, but it cannot be healthy. It can be love if you've roughed all his troughs but never been the one he looked for during the crests, but it cannot be friendship. When you realize what you're worth is really a lot more than that, and when the realization hits you if there's even ONE person by your side to tell you that you're doing the right thing and that you're going to make it, you're going to make it. And here I am.

Something changed in me the night of the beautiful lights, an open sky, the grains of sand that I could feel, each and every one of them as distinct as if they were many times their real size, and the unconditional love that was coming to me from all directions and the love that was emanating from me. The night we welcomed the new year in Paradise. All this while we'd been labeling the feeling as ecstasy, when what it really was, was not a feeling, it was a state. A state of contentment. And of security. I had my backbone that night, and my eyes. But when I thought about it a little more, a few kilometers away, I just as well had my mind, left-hand, right hand, my two feet and heart, safe and sound. And I wasn't apologetic about any of them.

Take these away and you'd think I'd be rendered inconsequential. But my soul is unique, and mine alone, and when the world (or the world as I know it) ends, it will know what to do, it will know who to tell, it will know what to tell, somehow it'll know. So I have a picture in my head where boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, and the world could happily end at that very moment, because it's the simplest and sweetest kiss in the world... And sometimes that's all you need.

This is late, but do have the happiest new year. :)

Quarter-life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

This is called as Quarter-life Crisis."

Fighting with your innerself..

Do you ever pick up the phone and realize you're not suppose to call them anymore? Because they're not expecting to see your name on their cell phones. It's like a battle you have to fight everyday with yourself. What do you do? Things like hiding your phone under your pillow so you won't text or all them? Or maybe replacing their name with some other friends name? Because let's be real, the one thing your cannot do is to delete their number from your contacts. I've tried. Didn't work.

There comes a point when you start to hate them, hate them so much that your mind still thinks about them. I hate to break it to you, my dear, you're not hating them, you're falling for them even harder. Its very much like you want to just throw them out in traffic and then jump in front of some car and risk your own life just to save them.

I'd like to put it in a fairytale story aswell. What do you do when he's your prince charming but you're not his Cinderella? And that freakin' glass slipper doesn't fit. Don't force the slipper to get in your feet, you might even break it. And that'd be the last thing you would want. So, you either decide to wait for the prince to come to you or you run to the castle and get him. Damn! How unrealistic. Only if life worked that way. But sadly, it does not and you're left with the reality which screws you over and over not caring how hurt you are.

The way I see it? Well. I don't know. It is a battle with yourself. And no matter whoever wins. You lose. And you get hurt. And you cry. But *tadaaaa* reality check. Nobody freakin' cares. That's how it is. They see you down, they pick you up, they built you up, take you up on cloud nine, and watch you fall.

The worst part. You're hurt. And they're gone. Now you either keep telling your heart how bad and selfish they were in the first place, which totally works, or you wait. Wait for them to realize. Wait for them to think. Wait for them to come back. I hate to say it, they won't return, they're choosing everyday not to be with you. The soon you accept it the better for you.

What you can do is pray. Prays ever go unheard. They may go unanswered sometimes, maybe because HE knows better than us. Pray that you win the battle. Pray that you start to hate them. Pray that you be happy. Pray for things to get better. Pray for the broken heart and shattered soul. Pray for peace. Pray for love. PRAY, because HE listens.

And then one day you wake up and not have them on your mind. Even if your hear the name or read it somewhere, it won't hit you the way it did. I'm sure you're going to turn the neck, but that's just normal, and you won't feel anything. Nothing at all. The day you feel nothing is the day you start living again.

Sure, there's a gap. And it shall always be there. I suggest you don't try to fill it because the gap shall never be filled. So do yourself a favor. Try to move on.

"As corny and Hallmark-y as this is going to sound, I am just finally understanding that when you choose to let peple into your life, you accept the bad and the good. I guess you've just got to deal with it, because you can't spend the rest of your life being isolated. Just remember that everyone, no matter who they are, manages to leave a mark on your life. They make you who you are. Thank them." -Christina Treco